Hello...This Is Me Being Stupid

I have incredible balance. And I only know this because most of the time I walk around in public on one foot. The other is usually inserted quite deeply in my mouth.

But how does all that chocolate get in there too, you say?

Well, that’s another story you smart aleck.

Today’s story involves my great and superior knowledge of the book I claim to read regularly and try to live by; The Holy Bible. (Ooh, I wish I had sound effects because I would have totally inserted some Baptist choir singing in the background as I said that.)

I was chatting with some girls last night at a scrap booking party and somehow (I don’t really need a reason or context to blurt out strange facts) I brought up a comment that someone had e-mailed me and they were quoting a book of the Bible. Only it was from no Bible I’ve ever read so I assumed that she must be from one of those religions where they just kind of conveniently make up their own book.

Which is a rather good idea because I would totally add a chapter about the holiness of chocolate and pedicures and girl weekends in Las Vegas.

So I just read the comment and thought, “That’s nice of her” and went on to the next e-mail I had received saying that I could talk to “live girls who wanted to be my special friend” if I dialed their special phone number. I remember thinking it was really nice that some girls wanted to be my friend and talk to me and had personally e-mailed me to let me know that.

There are such friendly people in the world.

Anyway…when I told my scrapping friends about the funky quote the first question out of their mouths was, “So what was the name of the book she was quoting from?”

And my answer was, “I think she called it the book of Nahum…isn’t that weird?”

And there was silence.

And I started to sweat a little bit as they all looked at me like the zit I had just put layer upon layer of cover up over had suddenly popped it’s way through it’s camouflage and waved at them.

Oh, and at this point I started to feel sweat break out on my upper lip too.

That’s always so pretty.

And then these sweet and wonderful friends carefully informed me that this weird book called “Nahum” actually resides in the very Bible I read….you know, the one in my bathroom drawer with the bent pages and highlighted passages that makes me look like a scholar or something?

Yep, that one.

It’s in there!

And for the first 30 minutes of that night I was able to walk on two feet. But like a magnet, one of them popped right in my mouth like a lollypop and I spent the rest of the night smiling around my pedicure.

Although I did remove it long enough for a piece of chocolate cake.

And now I'm going to go commit that whole dang book to memory so that never happens again.