January 14, 2008

Hello...This Is Me Being Stupid

I have incredible balance. And I only know this because most of the time I walk around in public on one foot. The other is usually inserted quite deeply in my mouth.

But how does all that chocolate get in there too, you say?

Well, that’s another story you smart aleck.

Today’s story involves my great and superior knowledge of the book I claim to read regularly and try to live by; The Holy Bible. (Ooh, I wish I had sound effects because I would have totally inserted some Baptist choir singing in the background as I said that.)

I was chatting with some girls last night at a scrap booking party and somehow (I don’t really need a reason or context to blurt out strange facts) I brought up a comment that someone had e-mailed me and they were quoting a book of the Bible. Only it was from no Bible I’ve ever read so I assumed that she must be from one of those religions where they just kind of conveniently make up their own book.

Which is a rather good idea because I would totally add a chapter about the holiness of chocolate and pedicures and girl weekends in Las Vegas.

So I just read the comment and thought, “That’s nice of her” and went on to the next e-mail I had received saying that I could talk to “live girls who wanted to be my special friend” if I dialed their special phone number. I remember thinking it was really nice that some girls wanted to be my friend and talk to me and had personally e-mailed me to let me know that.

There are such friendly people in the world.

Anyway…when I told my scrapping friends about the funky quote the first question out of their mouths was, “So what was the name of the book she was quoting from?”

And my answer was, “I think she called it the book of Nahum…isn’t that weird?”

And there was silence.

And I started to sweat a little bit as they all looked at me like the zit I had just put layer upon layer of cover up over had suddenly popped it’s way through it’s camouflage and waved at them.

Oh, and at this point I started to feel sweat break out on my upper lip too.

That’s always so pretty.

And then these sweet and wonderful friends carefully informed me that this weird book called “Nahum” actually resides in the very Bible I read….you know, the one in my bathroom drawer with the bent pages and highlighted passages that makes me look like a scholar or something?

Yep, that one.

It’s in there!

And for the first 30 minutes of that night I was able to walk on two feet. But like a magnet, one of them popped right in my mouth like a lollypop and I spent the rest of the night smiling around my pedicure.

Although I did remove it long enough for a piece of chocolate cake.

And now I'm going to go commit that whole dang book to memory so that never happens again.


Emily said...

ouchie. That smarts.

Halfmoon Girl said...

In your defense, that is not a book you here about often. I know I have read it, but I couldn't tell you exactly what it is about right now. Thankfully, I will always remember this story so I don't get myself into an equally awkward situation such as you found yourself. Ok, I am bound to get stick my foot in my mouth, but at least it won't be regarding Nahum.

maudie-mae said...

GASP!!!!!!!!!! It's been a few days since I've read your blog and I had to catch up on it. Now for the book of Nahum, my dad had a friend who became a pastor (he really wasn't fit for the job--he was a carpenter, but he went to school and learned all the preachy stuff). Daddy loved to get Chester's goat by asking him, "Now, is the book of Hezekiah prophetic or historical?" He'd get Chester on that nearly EVERY time they got together. If the book of Hezekiah is in the the Bible, it's next to II Bag-o-Balonians.

Kathy in WA said...

LOL!! You go, Girl! Memorize that book and share all the little nuggets of wisdom with your bloggy friends.

That's what you get for not inviting all of us to go with you to Vegas!!

Just thought I'd get that out there and start hinting around for next year's invite. :)

Cindy said...

Here's what I love... that you are honest and real enough to admit that to the entire blogworld!! :)

My maiden name was Naum, and my Old Testament survey professor ALWAYS called me Nahum. ALWAYS.

Rachelle said...


I'm sure I must have read the book of Nahum at some point, but I can't remember a single thing. Maybe I should read through it too.

jtcosby said...

I love this post. I feel so at home here. I actually asked a woman if she was pregnant...she had had her baby 3 months previous. Nice.

MaryLu said...

Here's a comment to your defense, Nahum is one of the MINOR prophets anyway.
Hate it when that happens, thanks for sharing your embarassing moments with us.

Happyhome said...

Apparently you and I both have an affinity for sticking our feet where they don't belong. At least you had a decent pedicure.


Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Aw, I love your honesty. And to be honest the only reason that I would know the book of Nahum is that as a child I learned the 'Books of the Bible' song and to this day whenever I hear any book of the bible named, I hear that portion of the song in my head. "Jonah, Micah, Nahum..."
It is an affliction.:)

ConservaChick said...

We all have our dumb bible moments. I so misquoted a verse the other day, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die! ~K

Pat said...

Maudie-Mae: My aunt used to say the verse "He who sits on a hot seat shall surely rise again" came from the book of Hezekiah. I think there is some truth to that.
Gayle: We've all been there. Isn't it awkward walking around with foot in mouth? Your knee tends to bend funny.

Meredith said...

Gayle, thanks for visiting my blog! I've read several posts and chuckled a bit at your stories. Thanks for making me laugh! As for this story, I may know that Nahum is in the Bible but...I have said some stupid things in my time. I have a great excuse though...I'm blond! Have a great day!

~Rhen said...

I actually yelled out loud, "Oh no!". That, of course, brought 5 of the children scrambling over here, running over each other to get to me and figure out what I was gasping about. When they get here and see I am blogging- they leave. How would I explain that I felt completely embarrassed and red faced for a whole 5 seconds for someone else? Anywho- ss about that. I am constantly sticking my foot in my mouth and I am very tired of the taste of shoe sole. Yuck.

Gayle said...

Ok, sorry about the Bible and all, but OMGOSH
"..and went on to the next e-mail I had received saying that I could talk to 'live girls who wanted to be my special friend' if I dialed their special phone number."
Is this ME! LOL!

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