A Letter To My GYN

Tomorrow is Pretend-You-Have-No-Modesty day, otherwise known as the dreaded annual pelvic exam.

I’ve put it off for almost 4 years, since my 6 week check-up after Gabe was born, but I can put it off no longer. And I really have nothing against the guy, other than the fact that because he’s never had to endure a pelvic exam he simply does NOT know the few minor details that would make this a whole lot easier for his patients.

So, because I just love to be helpful, I thought I would compile a short and thorough list that would help him make the whole sordid thing be just a little more pleasant for us girls.


Dear Doctor,

• When your nurse takes me back and shows me to my room, have her hand me a small box of chocolate truffles to eat during the exam. As in parenting, distraction can work wonders and chocolate would do the trick.
• When your nurse weighs me, have her weigh me backwards, while I’m facing away from the scale. I really don’t need to know exactly how fat I am right before I get totally naked and let some strange man check me out all over.
• The paper gowns have got to go. Something in a slimming black made out of, you know, material would be preferable. And if they would reach from neck to knee without my rear-end hanging out that would be a major plus. Giving me a cardboard half-shirt and a paper towel to lay over my nether regions just ain’t cutting it. I’d like to see you modestly wrap that dinky thing all the way around to cover YOUR butt-cheeks.
• And that metal thing that you use to pry me open, well don’t ever let go of it. Ever! When you do, it feels like I’ve got a miniature bungee jumper boinging around down there. It’s just a bit unsettling.
• Keep eye contact during the exam. When your whole head disappears down there it makes me a little nervous and just a tad self-conscious.
• Lastly, and this one should be a no-brainer, warm hands are a girls best friend. When you come at me with cold fingers, expect to get the same treatment my husband does…..an involuntary hand slap and a covering of all the vital naked parts. It’s an instant body lock-down which signals the end of the exam so you better be done.
  
  See, I don’t think those are unreasonable requests and I guarantee that if you were to follow those that I might even look forward to our visits.
  
  You can thank me later.