July 19, 2007

A Letter To My GYN

Tomorrow is Pretend-You-Have-No-Modesty day, otherwise known as the dreaded annual pelvic exam.

I’ve put it off for almost 4 years, since my 6 week check-up after Gabe was born, but I can put it off no longer. And I really have nothing against the guy, other than the fact that because he’s never had to endure a pelvic exam he simply does NOT know the few minor details that would make this a whole lot easier for his patients.

So, because I just love to be helpful, I thought I would compile a short and thorough list that would help him make the whole sordid thing be just a little more pleasant for us girls.

Dear Doctor,

  • When your nurse takes me back and shows me to my room, have her hand me a small box of chocolate truffles to eat during the exam. As in parenting, distraction can work wonders and chocolate would do the trick.
  • When your nurse weighs me, have her weigh me backwards, while I’m facing away from the scale. I really don’t need to know exactly how fat I am right before I get totally naked and let some strange man check me out all over.
  • The paper gowns have got to go. Something in a slimming black made out of, you know, material would be preferable. And if they would reach from neck to knee without my rear-end hanging out that would be a major plus. Giving me a cardboard half-shirt and a paper towel to lay over my nether regions just ain’t cutting it. I’d like to see you modestly wrap that dinky thing all the way around to cover YOUR butt-cheeks.
  • And that metal thing that you use to pry me open, well don’t ever let go of it. Ever! When you do, it feels like I’ve got a miniature bungee jumper boinging around down there. It’s just a bit unsettling.
  • Keep eye contact during the exam. When your whole head disappears down there it makes me a little nervous and just a tad self-conscious.
  • Lastly, and this one should be a no-brainer, warm hands are a girls best friend. When you come at me with cold fingers, expect to get the same treatment my husband does…..an involuntary hand slap and a covering of all the vital naked parts. It’s an instant body lock-down which signals the end of the exam so you better be done.

    See, I don’t think those are unreasonable requests and I guarantee that if you were to follow those that I might even look forward to our visits.

    You can thank me later.


Halfmoon Girl said...

I like the chocolate idea. I have a female doctor, which is more comfortable for me. I think it is good to have a doc that knows what it is like. Such an unflattering position... Oh well- hope it is quick and painless!

nsremom said...

I was nodding in agreement. I had my first one in 7 years and it was a female dr. (first I've had) LOVED her. She was awesome. And she gave you real clothes to dress in and a gorgeous lap blanket thing with a toile print. (way better than light blue paper)

ConservaChick said...

HA! You had me laughing so hard I just about wet my pants!
I have to leave town to see the gyn. Our little town only has 2 gyn... both "younger" men, both clients of my husband, both known on a personal level. TOO weird. How do you have dinner with someone who looked at your wife naked. Yeah, sometimes small towns suck. ~Karlie

Gayle said...

I hate going to the gyn. I had a female Dr. when I was pregnant with Jake and it was so much nicer. I don't even think there *are* any female ob/gyns around here. :(

Jessie said...


Too funny!!

Good girl for heading back to the obgyn. I know too many women that never (and I mean never go).

Caroline said...

I've never liked any female doctors I've had...seemed to cold - and all my doctors have had fabric gowns and sheets (NOT paper ones!) How do you all manage to go every 4-7 YEARS...I go yearly. ICK

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