May 14, 2008

Oh Internets, Lay Your Genius On Me!

So 15 years ago I had a boyfriend. One that, after three years together, I thought I was going to marry.

But through a lot of agony and heart pain and yuck, I ended up not marrying.

But it definitely left me wounded.

But his family meant the world to me and really imparted some amazing stuff into my life.

And the patriarch died over the weekend and the funeral is on Saturday.

Here’s my dilemma…

Will my presence cause any wierdness for his wife or the family or would it be good to go and show my love and support?

Should I stay away and send a card?

Should it not even be an issue, I mean, it's been 15 YEARS!

Will it stress out my own husband? (Of course I’ll talk to him about it and he would go with me.)

I know it’s been a long time but it’s still an awkward thing for ME to see him but I could totally put it aside if it was the right thing to show up.

What do I do????

15 comments:

Ronnica said...

I don't know about going, but a card totally seems appropriate.

momedu3 said...

If it still bothers you to be around him, I would not go. I would send my regards but not my presence. I hope you are happy with the decision that you finally make.

MInTheGap said...

Since the man is dead, the funeral is mostly about the family and giving them comfort while remembering him. In this view, it's best to think of the family. If it's a public funeral, then I would not find it inappropriate to attend, but I don't know whether I'd greet the family.

However, as long as nothing immoral happened between you and him, and your husband is agreeable, I haven't been to a funeral yet where they've turned someone away because they wanted to show love to them.

Just some things to think about.

Anonymous said...

I vote a card too.

Anonymous said...

You sound as if you still need healing over this before you see him. I would go for the card.

Leanne said...

Touchy situation...very awkward, right?

Talk to Chris, his thoughts matter the most....

My first thought was stay away. It would open up a whole can of worms....for you and them.

Ask God to heal that area in your heart. You know that He is faithful to deliver us.

Those are my thoughts, but Chris's thoughts are the ones that really matter.

Leanne

Anonymous said...

I go for the card route, too.

Anonymous said...

Send a sympathy card but do not go!

jewlsntexas said...

Hey girl - this would depend on whether or not you have had an "in touch" relationship with the parents all this time - visiting their home, having them to yours. If the relationship sort of distanced even though you didn't change in your feelings for them, I would say that it would be more appropriate for you to send a card.
However, all of this being said, I am a live by the heart and not always common sense kind of girl - and would personally have to throw caution to the wind and go anyway. I might call the others involved first just so the funeral is not the place where the awkward moment takes place.
Anyway - I realize I was no help at all.

elaine@bloginmyeye said...

Sounds like a Hallmark moment. I vote card.

Gotta GROW with it said...

woa touchy! Here's my 2 cents:
If you've had contact with this family over the past 15 years...and if you are going to support the family and show respect to the loved one who passed...I'd do it! Bring your husband and give out the hugs. When you lose someone, whatever happened 15 years ago probably isn't on the forefront of his mind.

If you haven't had contact....I'd send a card or make a phone call! Whatever you decide I'm sure the love you send will be taken in good thoughts!

maudie-mae said...

A card for sure, and maybe a donation to the memorial. beyond that, you have a man who has the God-given gift of shepherding you (check your marriage license, his name is there) and i think his opinion should carry the most weight.

Mamaduso said...

I have no answers. Did you keep in touch with the family. If so, then it might be appropriate to go. Other wise, send a card. But really ask Chris first. He will definitely have some wisdom in this area.
Susan

Scott said...

Did you have a relationship with the patriarch? If the only connection to this man was through the former boyfriend, then it might just be weird to go. (When people ask your connection to the family: "I'm the still-wounded ex-lover...")

On the other hand, if you're close to that whole family for some reason, and your absence would be a snub, then I'd considered it possibly. But lots of people miss funerals for some reason or other, even close relatives.

A card (from you and Chris?) sounds nice.
Of course, not knowing the whole story, my advice is meaningless.

If it was a Seinfeld episode, you should go and wear a plunging neckline and be a little tipsy.

You're welcome for the obvious help I've been.

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Rats... i've missed the conversation, because I just read that you are done and doing the card thing. I was totally going to tell you to go and show up GORGEOUS and show the boy what he missed out on and then skip merrily away with your man. (Now I know that your readers who don't know me will write me off as an idiot, but whatever.)

I know it is a loss for you, too, and I'm sorry, friend. Love you.

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